For March 19, 1999

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ARIES (March 21-April 19)
The pitch of drama may be spiraling upward in some sensitive areas of your life, while your resolve spirals downward -- though I suggest you train your eyes and your mind on the real issues involved, which may seem obscure unless you look closely and feel deeply. For example, it would be very useful to penetrate beneath the surface illusion of what may feel like a "relationship issue," and consider how what is happening in reality does not involve anyone else at all, at least not as a major factor. You are most definitely in a legitimate period of going through changes, and for that you need your space and your freedom. Remember that it's natural to struggle with personal decisions, though within a few days you'll be a bunch more clear about just what it is you're deciding.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
In our culture, we tend to do two interesting things: one is we fear the unknown, and the second is we fear ourselves. The third item on this list would be that we are terrified of one another, but based on the first two, that figures. You are poised at a brilliant moment to try several new approaches to existence. One that might work some magic in your life would be to respect the unknown. Most of what we face, experience and confront here on the cosmic physical plane is a direct result of this whole mysterious business of relating to that which is concealed and undiscovered; the ineffable or the incomprehensible. But it's not nearly as bad as you think, if only you will take notice right about now.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
In religion, there is God (or in some places, Gud), but in astrology, there are the gods, and presently the old Magus of Mischief, the divine messenger known as Mercury, is retrograde. Nothing in astrology is more frequently ridiculed, blamed, ignored and cowered from, roughly in that order. But there is some important data available here. Each Mercury retrograde can be seen as new year, or new major cycle, for this vitally important planetary archetype, and I suggest treating it with far more sober consciousness than we treat our Earth years. Take a couple of weeks and reflect carefully on the theme of beginnings, endings and that space where the old meets the new. As turning points come for the Gemini tribe, this is a big one, and just in time for spring.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Though I am not much of a believer in hocus-pocus predictive astrology except as practiced by a select few geniuses in England, I am officially predicting that you are eligible for an extraordinary stroke of luck where career matters are concerned, particularly around March 24th. But this will be the kind of career luck that does not involve resumes, business cards, or going to the right stuffy cocktail party to meet the right big wheel who gave up his creativity in order to have staggering car-mortgage-insurance payments and be bored at a cocktail party. This is the kind of career luck that comes from having actual fun and doing what you actually love, even if, for the next six days, the activity does not stuff your wallet. Pretend you are what you want to be, with gusto, and watch what happens. If nothing happens, try again the following week. It's excellent practice, and something is likely to happen.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
I took my friend Maria, this Leo Sun/Moon babe from Germany I hang out with, into the Kay Bee Toy & Hobby Shop yesterday, where I bought some Play Doh (which I was planning on using for inspiration for future Leo horoscopes). This was Maria's first time experiencing Play Doh, sitting in the car, by the way. She opened the blue can, sniffed the stuff, and promptly took a bite. I view this as evidence of the universal perception by children that the stuff is edible. In recent weeks, I am aware of having doled out all kinds of serious advice for you cat people, but spending an hour in a toy store would be excellent therapy (even though Maria insists that Leo does not need therapy). So, okay, just call it visiting a toy store. Please tell me what you learn (

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
There is an untold story from my unpublished Annals of the Dawn of the Age of Aquarius (from which I will print little excerpts in this column). It involved a certain charter bus ride from NYC up to the upscale Omega Institute for weekend seminars a couple of years ago. Upon this particular bus were Barbara Marciniac (author of Bringers of the Dawn) and her group of women, who were heading upstate to channel messages from the Pleadiains. And then there was Betty Dodson (author of Sex for One) and her group of women, who were enroute to their hands-on masturbation and orgasm course. Well, cousins, it was the clash of the cultures, and I go into auto-giggle-response-mode at the mere thought of that historic golden moment. As for you ­ there is no reason why you can't bring together your most cosmic visions and your most hedonistic desires right about now, in your very own way. However, I don't recommend seeking advice about sex from space aliens.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct. 22)
It was just last week, if I recall, that I discovered that three world-class troublemakers from times of yore were all Libras. Just this morning I discovered a living specimen named Robert Lederman who proves my theory. Robert has been helping lead the crusade against New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, and is collecting assorted 15-minutes-of-world-fame for his beautifully painted portrayals of His Mayorship as Herr Hitler. Robert notes that many tens of thousands of New Yorkers have been arrested for J-walking, smoking herb and being impolite since Giuliani took office, but feels the truly shocking thing is that most citizens of the metropolis think this is basically a great plan. (And, coincidentally it bears a noticeable resemblance to Germany of the 1930s, though fortunately most of the criminalized New Yorkers were released from their incarceration.) Among Lederman's personal 36 protest arrests was one for saying that the mayor himself should be arrested for all of this. In all, it's clear that Lederman is starting to become a rather serious PR liability for the evil empire. He knows: when all else fails, make a wildly creative nuisance of yourself.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 22)
Who can really write about Scorpio objectively? There are times when even the Great Kazoo thinks astrology is pure bullshit, but the one enduring thought, the idea that cannot lose its grip or its potency, is that little scorpion. And it would seem you are in a similar place: perhaps in some kind of utter self-doubt, perhaps even contempt for who you are, while at the same time knowing you have no choice but to be the actual you. This takes practice, and it's coming. And if I have my way, you'll get so good at this in-the-moment beingness that you'll be qualified to teach New Age workshops for large sums of cash, but would never bother.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
I keep hearing in emails and from clients that hell is busting open in the lives of Sagittarians. That probably means that a whole bunch of you are out on your high-class personal crusades for justice freedom, and a mess of you are getting your asses kicked by forces unbeknownst. Then there are the sleeping masses, who never read horoscopes. As the astrological facts would have it, there are some strange new planets hanging around Sagittarius these weird years, and one called Chiron, a patron saint of yours, has arrived with thunder recently. This could feel something like rocket fuel for the soul, or, for complex reasons, a major, endless pain in the ass. In living truth, you get to choose, but you have to decide, so pay attention and please don't wait too long.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Okay, maybe this isn't the place to admit it, but I have a raging Capricorn fetish. Perhaps it's the awesome meeting between Neptune and Saturn now unfolding in the night sky that's squeezing the truth out of me, but it's impossible for me to think about Capricorn without considering so many people I love. This is a truly rare and momentous planetary aspect, and it marks a turning point of some kind for you. Neptune is about liquid and Saturn is about structure, and after a number of rather difficult attempts, I see you creating a crystalline meeting of the two, in which the practical and rock-solid meets the mysteriously and delightfully etheric. Some astrologers would say there's no problem this will fail to cause, but I would say that under these stars, there's very little you can't create.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 19-Feb. 18)
Yesterday I saw a New York Times article about yet another study funded by General Electric "proving" that deadly polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs), which the company sold at a high profit and dumped into many rivers and oceans for half-a-century, are perfectly harmless. Corporate industry has actually come up with a brilliant plan for proffering fake science, involving hiring people with apparently good reputations to bless their disasters and misdeeds; the press and public generally come along for the ride. Note that in the coming weeks, the line between what is myth and what is solid fact may become increasingly blurred in your perception. Mistake neither science for religion, nor religion for science, but please don't be surprised if they turn out to be the same thing after all. As you're likely to discover, what you believe often has more power than what is really true.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
I was about to write, "Get serious, yes, but get serious about your imagination," when I left the house and I strolled into the Grand Onion supermarket and found essentially this same message printed in Sally Brompton's Pisces blurb in The New York Post. Sally has also been keeping her ear to the ground on this business of Mercury (our "opposite" planet) going retrograde into our sign, and her take is Trust Yourself, and for the moment, try to be a bit skeptical about everyone else. It's good astrological advice, and I'm passing it on, but remember that the keyword is retrograde. As in "apparently moving backwards, but not really." You might meet some interesting retrograde people in the next few weeks. But as someone first informed me in the fourth grade, it takes one to know one.

I want to thank all of my Pisces cousins for their warm birthday greetings and shared dreams of oceans. With just a little creative finagling, I was able to work out a day off for my big Three-Five, which began with a new newspaper (The Echo in Bellingham, Washington) subscribing to Planet Waves. Then, I bought a humidifier for my office. This clever device puts water into the air, and the effect is just lovely. We then went to a plant store and bought a big green friendly being for my office, which lives next to the humidifier and among a lot of dry, humming computers. And then sometime around midnight, I met some old friends in a diner in the middle of Nowhere Zen New Jersey, and ate ravioli and had a good laugh with folks who knew me way back when. All in all, a fine day.

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